Gordon Haber

You see, the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe. This means that any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation. —Ken Ham

Thanks everybody for coming. I really appreciate it. It’s been a long trip to get here and it’s nice to see so many faces. I just flew in from Alpha Centauri and boy are my arms tired. Kidding! As you can see we don’t have arms, they’re more like tentacles.

Anyway. My name it Klortho 57XBQ, and right next to me is my cousin, Kevin. Actually we’re cousins by marriage but that’s not important. He’s here for moral support, as it were. And to schlep the Death Ray. I mean, we come in peace, but you humans have itchy trigger fingers, and I’ve got 7,000 little mouths to feed, you know what I mean?

Can you guys in the back hear the Universal Translator? Should I turn it up? No? Okay, great.

So Kevin and I are here today first of all to let you humans know that you’re not alone in the universe. Isn’t that cool? There’s my people, the Klorthans from the planet Klortho. And there’s another species out there, but we’ll let them introduce themselves whenever they’re ready. Which won’t happen soon, because they’re the guys with all the anal probes, and they know they won’t be getting a warm reception.

But Kevin and I have something else we want to talk to you about. We want to respond to the allegations that since we’re not descended from Adam, we can never be saved by the word of Jesus. And strictly speaking that is true. We’re not sons of Adam. But we don’t need Jesus, because we’re Jewish.

I know what you’re thinking: Funny, they don’t look Jewish. But I assure you that we are. These discs atop our head-stalks are actually kippot. And thank goodness we reproduce asexually, because I sure wouldn’t want to get circumcised, am I right fellas?

I’ll explain how we became Jewish. It’s really quite simple. Three or four centuries ago, Earth time, we were checking you guys out, invisibly walking among you, observing your cultures, reading your books, and we just got really into Judaism. I don’t know, it was the whole wrestling-with-God thing. That and the jokes.

That reminds me of a good one. A Klorthan and his Klorthan rabbi walks into a bar. The Klorthan says, “What are you drinking?” And the Klorthan rabbi emits a high-pitched scream followed by a series of clicks.

No? I guess it’s funnier in Klorthan.

Anyway, that’s the story. We’re not descended from Adam, but we’re Jewish, and no matter what your religion, you’re welcome to come visit. What’s that? You don’t yet have the technology for interstellar travel? We know that. And no, we’re not going to give it to you, because you humans will just use it to find some new way to kill each other. But we are offering attractive rates on some very nice package deals, all inclusive, tips included and no sales tax for humans. And if you are Jewish, don’t worry, we have plenty of nice Kosher hotels, and Klortho City even has an eruv.

By the way, the weather is really good on Klortho. If you don’t mind 3,000°F. Kidding! We use the metric system! And with every round-trip ticket to Klortho, we’ll throw in a free enviro-suit.

Okay, that’s everything. We’ll be going now, because it takes eight months to get home, and we really want to get a jump on the traffic. Kevin has left some brochures on the table behind you, and there’s an 800 number if you have any further questions. Thanks for your time, and zei gezunt.