The 10 Best Ways to Avoid Reading Listicles

by Gordon Haber

  1. Remember that someday you will die.
  2. Think of the poor suffering children with no access to the Internet.
  3. Keep a caged hungry ferret next to your laptop, and whenever you’re tempted to read a listicle, stick your hand in the cage.
  4. If you’re a conservative, tell yourself that every time you read a listicle, Al Gore gets a dollar.
  5. If you’re a liberal, tell yourself that every time you read a listicle, a Koch brother gets a dollar.
  6. Remember that whenever you waste time reading listicles, God sheds a tear, as you could be using that time to reach your full potential or more importantly to help others.
  7. Remember that there is no God, and whenever you waste time reading listicles, you waste precious seconds of the only life you will ever have (see #1).
  8. Remind yourself that “listicle” sounds a little like “fistula.”
  9. Think of a time when you did something that you truly regret, like hurting an innocent or lying for no good reason, and then remember that Judaism teaches that true forgiveness is only possible when the victim grants it, and then consider calling the person whom you’ve wronged and apologizing, and then remember that the time you’ve spent thinking about sin and redemption is time not spent on listicles.
  10. Do 100 burpees. Rest. Do 100 more.